Life on a quarter

"We have nothing to give you except education."

I can still remember this being said by my parents to us. I can still remember their constant reminder that they didn't have a business or a house or cars that we can inherit from them but they'd do even the impossible so that we could have education. So that we could graduate from a university and later on, land a job that's better than what they're doing.

Six years had passed. Six years since the Dean forgot to call my name during our graduation resulting to my mother going to the stage furiously to have them rectify it.

And they rectified it. After the magna cum laude said her speech, they called me to go to stage and receive my diploma before hundreds of graduates looking at how embarrassed I was. But that's what mothers do right?

Anyway, moving forward.

I can't imagine that it has been six years since I graduated. It still feels like I've just gone out from college. So you could imagine that in six years, I should have accomplished so many things.

I wish I have.

But I have no business. I haven't stayed for any job longer than a year; the longest would be for ten months and the shortest would be for a week. I've been with more than ten companies already. I've had three occupations: I've been a nurse, a teacher and a customer service representative. A failed relationship. A miscarriage.

So, what happened? Why all of these?

I don't know. But I have four guesses:

1. Being a millennial- Those born in the 80s to the early 2000, who usually have a sense of entitlement and narcissism 

"Some employers are concerned that Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace.^[35] Some studies predict that Millennials will switch jobs frequently, holding many more jobs than Gen Xers due to their great expectations."- wikipedia

2. Quarter life crisis- "is a period of life usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult."- wikipedia

3. Both

4. Or maybe I'm only justifying my laziness and stubbornness with being a millennial and having a quarter life crisis.

I don't know. I guess being in my 20's made me an idealist and made me think what I really want.

I just don't want to settle with just anything there is. I wanted a job which not only pays the bills but something that will make my life more meaningful. Something that will nourish my soul and not leave me burned out. A job that will not feel like a job because I enjoy and look forward doing it.

But we can't have anything that we want without going for it. That's what I realized. I got tired settling with a job that I didn't really want while waiting for my dream job.

Yet the dream job has been elusive like the most wanted criminal.

Fast forward to six years after I graduated, I came nowhere near to where I wanted to be. I just became more jaded with every job that I leave, became acquainted with more people then forgot them afterwards, cared less with the people I served.

But there's still hope, I believe.

I don't need to have it all figured out all at once. I just needed more time to mature, to know which path I should take, to decide if I'll be turning the lights off on my dream.

For the meantime, I'll keep treading on this murky sea of life.

Almost empty-nesters

What's it called when the one who left the nest feels sad, empty and depressed?

I heard about the empty nest syndrome.

It's when the parent/s or guardian/s feel/s  down after a child/children leave/s home for college or marriage or just to be with themselves alone.

I'm not saying that my parents do not feel the same thing. Or do feel the same.

I left our home without explaining to them. I was very upset with the way things were in our household. I felt suffocated, like there's nothing that I can do on my own. I felt that I do not own my life. I didn't even have my own space yet I was already on my mid-20s.

I thought it would be better for me to go on my own. I fantasized having my own space. Of not having to explain myself whenever I go home late or not go home at all. Of not feeling guilty whenever I do things that they are not ok with.

So one day I was so upset, I left with just a bunch of clothes. I slept in my roommate's house for a week. Then I returned.

They accepted me and asked no questions. But for months, the fantasy didn't leave me. I was still feeling like I ought to be somewhere else.

And then I snapped for the second time. I packed almost all of my things and left them for good. They said that I could go and that they hoped I was making the right decision.

I didn't say goodbye. I was sure I was making the right decision. My decision.

Me and my roommate who's been very supportive rented a room. It was a small room, only fit for a bed and some clothes but I remember how I looked around our room. I couldn't believe that finally, I was living without my parents. That I would have to wash my own clothes (Yes, my mom was still the one washing my clothes.), cook my own food, fix my own bed,etc.

From then on, it's going to be my rules.

I was happy. But alongside that happiness was guilt. I still have a younger sister who needed a role model which I think I'm not being good at with what I did.

I didn't return for a month fearing that if I go back too soon, I might be sucked back in and won't be able to ever leave again. I went about my daily ritual. enjoying the perks of living far from the nest even if I was missing our dog, Chicken.

Months after, my brother and his family left as well. I became more concerned because it would mean that there would only be my parents and my sister who would be left.

My parents, eventhough they are not expressive with their feelings, values our family the most. With all the sacrifices and hardships that they endured mainly for us, I felt that it would be a blow most especially to my mom who has been our primary carer and who chose to stay at home and devote all her life in making sure that we're taken care of.

Then I decided to visit them more often thinking that I was more confident that with the amount of time I spent without them, I would no longer be sucked back in.

Whenever I visit them, they prepare me good food. One of the things I really missed because I have been eating my own cooked meals and they won't be comparable to my mother's cooking. My sister, who would usually be annoyed with me, now sits beside me or on my lap whenever we watch tv and tells me stories even without asking her. I really noticed that they're happy when I visit them and conversations are now more fluid.

But when it's time to leave them, there will always be a lump in my throat whenever I say goodbye. And my father will always accompany me until I reach our gate. And I always feel that he has more to say than just take care.

There was one time that he was drunk, he accompanied us until the next block and he hugged me. I've forgotten the last time that he did that. Maybe I was too young to remember but when he did that, my guilt rose up and I couldn't help but cry yet I didn't want him to see so we just walked and I kept on turning back to see if he's still there.

Sometimes, I'd tell them that I have to leave but I tend to leave hours after I said goodbye. Sometimes, I ended up sleeping with them.

I still think that what I did was the right decision but the lump won't go anywhere. Everyday, I feel homesick. I feel like I'm missing something when I left them. But I needed this. To grow. To mature. To know what I really want in life.

But I want to be with them as well

I guess you can never hit two birds with one stone.