Art of letting go

"Curiosity kills the cat."

But I'm not a cat. I'm a perfectly normal human being and being curious is just normal.

So I'm not killed.

But I think I just committed one of the worst sins ever known in human history next to genocide.

I cyberstalked an ex.

Not really cyberstalked because that was the first (and the last, promise, cross my heart, hope to die..) time that I've done this since I've gotten into a relationship after what we had and that was after more than a year ago.

So what lead to checking up on him after so many things that happened?

I don't know.

And no, my roommate and I are completely A-Okay. No fights, no arguments, no misunderstandings whatsoever so I'm not really into us getting back together and we are never, never, ever getting back together like the Taylor Swift song.

Out of nowhere, in the midst of searching for possible job options and business ideas, the idea just popped in my mind. I wasn't thinking about him, really. But for no apparent reason, I suddenly had the urge to see what he's up to.

So off I went and searched his name on Facebook, (We're no longer friends because he unfriended me.) without hesitation, nor doubts that feelings, good or bad, would resurface.

And there I saw him, biking out of town. I saw a contentment on his face that I didn't see during the last time that we saw each other. A new hobby, I'm sure.

And I felt, happy. No more pain. No more bitterness. Just happy.

Then tears came running down my cheeks.

I felt relieved. I felt like something was released thru those tears I shed. I felt a heavy burden was lifted. I felt forgiveness.

For months after we parted ways, and eventually me hitting it with someone new, I still felt hatred towards him most especially when I hear or read stories about cheating which I thought affected that way I view relationships and love.

Even though I already found a new love, the doubts, the low self esteem, the suspicion had not left me and they all manifested on this new found love. And I knew it's not fair to let it out on him since he's not the same person as the person who had cheated on me but there's no really escaping the strong feelings and every time they resurface, I couldn't control myself from thinking that this is the same thing all over again.

But as the famous saying goes, "Time heals all wounds."

And I guess it's time telling me to be healed completely that's why all of a sudden, the urge to check on him was present since the reason why I didn't do that is because I didn't really think that there's a need and partly because of my hatred towards him.

Perhaps, it's also time to give credit to where the credit is due right?

I'm happy for you. I really am. And I'm happy for myself too. Because I've finally mustered the strength to check how you've been and by doing that I realized that I've already forgiven you.

I'm sorry for giving up on us. For not having the strength and courage to fight for you. For my immaturity and silliness. I guess you have to cut me some slack for not being in a relationship for so long before ours happened right? I hope you will forgive me for running from you and many other things that I did. I know it's not your entire fault that our relationship ended but I guess it's all for the better.

I would like to thank you because I was able to learn what I want and what should be in a relationship and although things didn't work out so well between us, there were still moments I spent with you that I was more than happy.

I wish you peace, contentment, good health and love in your life. I know your kids will grow up just fine because they have you as their father. I hope you find, if you haven't found yet, the woman who will be able to assure you the love that you need and will be able to help you become a better person.

I will be forever grateful that you let me come into your life.